“Private Religious University, Public Religious Trauma” Part III: Homophobia
These are the experiences of former students and staff of William Jessup University, a private Christian college in Rocklin, CA.
If other students, staff, or alumni have their own stories to share, please submit at liberatedjessupians@gmail.com and we will continue to publish and bring awareness.
Homophobia and Hate Speech: What I Lived
by Dumitru Drezaliu
I spent a summer at William Jessup University. I was excited to expand my education and explore the opportunities that William Jessup offered. As an independent musician with a band and a dream to lead worship and train worship leaders around the country, I was blessed to receive a music scholarship award and became a music major with a vocal concentration. I was set to make my dreams come true. Only there was one problem.
I was gay.
It wasn’t a mistake, it’s the way God made me. And it was something I came to terms with within my faith, wrestling with God, and with painstaking study of scripture. I realized I was gay about the same time as anyone realizes and becomes aware of their sexuality. I thought it was a fluke. I thought my hormones were just imbalance due to puberty. I thought it would go away.
Only it didn’t go away. I prayed. I cried. I bargained. I came to the conclusion that for whatever reason, I couldn’t change and God for some reason wouldn’t change me. I fell into a quiet, deep, depression.
I had tried everything from having a girlfriend to watching straight porn. How did that feel? If you’re straight and you’re reading this, imagine having to watch gay porn and get a same-sex partner in order to go to heaven.
I was terrified someone would find out my secret. And I was terrified that if they did, well, I didn’t even want to imagine what would happen to my dreams of becoming a worship leader, much less what would happen in my own household. Though I didn’t know for certain how they would react, being exposed and seeing their disappointment… and their disgust, would have broken me.
I eventually came to a position of being able to in a positive way blend my faith and my orientation together, something few gay Christians survive long enough to do. I spent years researching passages of the Bible in context, learning about the rich historical contexts and diverse languages that they were written. Not because I wanted to, but because I had no choice. My life depended on it. But I had to know the truth.
Either way I was losing a part of me. Either being gay was a sin, and I would have to resign myself to never allowing myself to be in love, have intimacy, or be married… Or possibly, (though at the time I doubted it), maybe being gay was ok, but then I would lose the immediate support and safety of my home, my entire family, my church, and of course, there would go my career as a worship leader.
There would go my entire opportunity to lead worship for a church period. And who wants to attend a church where people look at you as though you’re a pile of moldy feces? Some disgusting warped mutated mess up? Or in Christian talk, an “abomination?” To this day that word stirs up a deep sick feeling in my stomach.
By the time I had been accepted as a music major at WJU, I was confident that God loved me just as I was. He hadn’t made a mistake in intentionally, lovingly, making me gay (I was pretty sure God didn’t do ‘mistakes’, and anyhow he wouldn’t be God if he did). I was proudly Christian, and proudly gay! Despite my deeply earned and heavily researched position, WJU was clear, no homosexuality was allowed. And despite literally years of in depth research from every side position and angle (oh yes, read all the books from both sides, I was losing something either way, remember?), I would have to come to terms with WJU’s firm stance, and with it’s heretical position of shaming, excluding, and degrading gay women and men. To this day I will never get over being told “…but have you read Romans 1 blah blah blah” by people who never had to spend as much as 5 minutes researching homosexuality and the scriptures.
“Yes Carol, I did read Romans 1, in the original Greek and Aramaic translations, after I spent months of my life researching the history of the times, the linguistic functions used in the passages, and the various translations and their history.” As if in the 5 minutes of their google search on the bible and homosexuality they found something that I in my life-and-salvation-dependent years of research and prayer had missed. Oh yes, that’s it, I just didn’t read that one verse.
But I digress.
“It’ll be ok,” I thought. “I’m just here for music, I’m not here for a theological degree or to become a pastor so I won’t need to bring this up or have discussions on it.” Only I was wrong. It was everywhere, and I couldn’t avoid it. During orientation, our volunteer orienteer gave us a copy of the WJU policies for students living on campus and attending WJU. It was a thorough book of the typical Christian do’s and don’ts: what would put you on the ‘naughty’ or ‘nice’ list. We skimmed most of it, but the part on homosexuality was read word for word, and the message was hammered home. Standing there, in what was to be my new living space for the next several years, I heard the enthusiastic cheerful young woman orientation volunteer paint gay people (and therefore me) as a horrible disgusting mishap that should have never happened and should have chosen to not exist rather than to be myself. All my years of fearful shame and humiliation quickly resurfaced in a sickening flash and I realized in that single moment, this was not going to be as easy as I thought.
I wasn’t alone. Jessup was TEEMING with gay students. Half the music majors were gay, (all the best singers certainly were), and nearly the entire women’s sports teams were gay. Not to mention all the academic nerd-gays on campus.
But we cut our hair, we changed our clothes, we hid our hearts, and we smiled and praised God on Sunday, waiting to get through the hell that was our first semester of this so-called “christian” education. WJU was simply a big, beautiful, expensive, closet. I hate closets. They’re like shame-prisons you have to keep yourself locked in or else you’ll get your teeth knocked in by a brick called “the bible” and a bat called “love”. No place in heaven or your church for a f**.
Of course, being a private religious university, WJU wasn’t just a place to get an education, it was a place to grow spiritually and develop our faith! We had to attend mandatory “spiritual formation” groups to graduate. What should have been exciting and safe places, were for me, a nightmare.
They were essentially small anti-gay, pro-republican, pro-white-Jesus rallies. It was clear this version of modern American evangelical Christianity was preached and required at WJU.
I stood out immediately. Modern American evangelicals love their politics, their guns, and their ability to oppress the poor, the weary, and the minorities in the name of “religious “freedom.” But what they love most of all, is discussing their problems with the gays. The “Gay agenda” they called it. My agenda was to pass my classes, hopefully eat something half decent for lunch, and graduate with something better than a C. Oh, and not to get discovered and outed while I was at it. If you’re straight and you’re reading this, praise God you never have had to deal with the monotonous, perpetual, never-ending exhaustion and paranoia of having to hide who you are by constantly pretending to be someone else. At WJU, just your mannerisms could get you expelled. Thankfully, I have the privileged advantage of being a good actor, and having a pretty “masculine” build. Also, I was a bit of a ladies man. Not by choice, but what can I say? Women love a man who isn’t constantly trying to get into their pants or up their shirts, which was pretty common from what I heard from most of my girlfriends on campus.
I remember when Sy Rogers came. It was my worst nightmare. I sat there, in shock. Everyone was talking about it. ‘Sy Rogers, ex-gay ministries’, was coming to do a presentation. I was literally sick. It makes me sick now just remembering that day. All I wanted to do was to be invisible. I already was mortified that some of my peers suspected I was gay, and this just added to my fear. The last thing I wanted was to be in a room full of people thinking about this and looking around trying to guess who fit the bill. The questions people might ask. The looks. The knowing glances. And the worst part was that he was going to be there the whole day. I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up when it was over. But if I ran away, people might get even more suspicious. I was stuck. Panic and anxiety set it. I felt screwed either way.
He’s teaching these people that I’m broken. He’s teaching them that there’s something wrong with me. And he’s teaching them that if I choose to be myself, I’m disgusting. And the worst part is, they’re agreeing. I’m sitting in an auditorium full of people who are agreeing that being gay is the worst thing you could be. And none of them know I’m sitting right here. Their friend. Their worship leader on Wednesday nights at the Sun (the plaza between the dorms). The one who stayed up late listening to people’s problems and helping them with homework. Did they know that they were talking about me? And what would happen if they found out? They would patronizingly assume I had been molested as a child and was a ‘poor broken weak boy’, or they would think I was some monster who hated God and reveled in perversion and debauchery. No door number three.
The saddest part was that I knew I wasn’t alone. How many closeted gay people, who didn’t have the foundation of assurance of God’s love that I had, were there? How many would be tempted to commit suicide that day? I know I was. Many times. My heart broke for them.
“You can change!” Sy said. “Becoming healed is possible!” Only Sy Rogers isn’t a good representation of these things. According to Justin Lee, author of the conversation changing book, “Torn”, within Exodus International, an original ex-gay ministries started by two gay men, only 5 out of 300 ‘conversion therapy’ successes reported having successfully “changed their orientation” despite admitting to continuing homosexuality in one way or another. One of those was Sy Rogers, who was the president of Exodus International throughout the 90’s. Two of those five were the founders of Exodus International who later married one another. Exodus International closed in 2013 with its’ former leaders denouncing it as wrong and ineffective.
Despite this, and also the fact that gay ‘conversion’ therapy was literally rejected by the American Psychological Association as an illegitimate practice that was unethical, ineffective, and damaging, WJU loved to promote outdated and banned psychology studies to paint a picture of gay reform.
And they loved to bring evangelicals like Sy Rogers (who admitted to still being gay but committed to heterosexuality) into the school frequently to hone in this idea. They continued to have Sy Rogers come speak for years after Conversion Therapy was banned in California (2012) and after Exodus International closed and issued statements that it was ineffective and harmful (2013). Students who graduated in 2015 confirmed he continued to speak at least once a year at WJU through 2015, if not longer.
They blamed being gay on having a poor relationship with the parent of the same sex. I had a great relationship with my dad. That wasn’t me. They blamed being gay on being rebellious and hating God. I was a worship leader. I often lead worship around campus. That wasn’t me.
And of course they LOVED to talk about the demonic aspects of homosexuality. How Satan would influence and infect people with his evil unnatural desires. Of course I had to be a demon, that was it. I wasn’t any of those things
And yet if I came out, or worse, if someone found out, not only would I be immediately expelled and lose my opportunity to pursue my career, I would lose the support and love of my family, not to mention the stability of my home. I had a lot to lose.
Every day was torturous, trying to act and seem as straight as possible, just in case someone might suspect I was anything but lustily into women. Imagine feeling hungry and going to the cafeteria, and worrying about how you hold your fork while you eat, realizing that just the slightest mannerism, the slightest change in voice, could literally cost your entire education, career, and family home life. I literally had to change the way I sang during choir to hide myself. Not to mention changing how I spoke. Hopefully no one would hear me sleep-talk. Nevermind that we could just as easily agree to disagree on the basis of faith difference.
But freedom of religion apparently only applies to Christians who subscribe to popular modern straight theology.
Funny thing is that exactly what ended up happening. A year after I left WJU, three youth worker volunteers I was serving with found out, blackmailed me, and forcefully outed me to my entire local community. I was disowned by my Christian family. I was kicked out of my home. I lost my job. I lost my career. And I was homeless for six long years following. Luckily I survived because I was already an adult with a degree and could find work as I couch-surfed and lived out of my car. Most LGBT+ people who get outed do not have those privileges.
I once had a pastor at WJU tell me being gay was wrong because of how much drug usage, criminal activity and depression follows gay people.
According to True Colors United, an organization dedicated to solving homelessness for youth, gay youth are 120% more likely to become homeless than their straight passing counterparts. Most gay people growing up in Christian homes are outed are between the ages of 9 and 17. If you’re living on the streets as a minor, it is impossible to get a job unless you are at least 16, because you often need your parents consent. And if you’re under 18, you risk getting child services involved, who can force you right back into the home that forced you out. This sends you into another traumatic cycle where you’re left yet again, homeless. Those that don’t die of starvation, go into sex work and drug hustling to survive until they are 18.
Those that do survive the rape and dangerous drug hustling business and are able to make it to legal working age, may not be able to survive the crippling depression, anxiety and traumatic stress that continue long after. Mental illness as a result of prolonged trauma at a young age without access to treatment leaves the survivors at a huge disadvantage to find and maintain jobs and stable living situations. Those that do typically die of suicide by age 30. So yeah, LGBT+ people here typically have more anxiety and depression than the straights do. Secondary coincidence. Not primary causation.
Though WJU university might think that being discriminatory is a simple matter of principle on religion, the fact of the matter is, they are directly endangering the lives of their students. It is a mental and physical health hazard. And the levels of constant terror and anxiety they force their gay students into is nothing short of domestic terrorism against gay people. Being forced into the closet because of discriminatory practices that are non-negotiable makes life not only a living hades, it makes it physically unsafe for students who in the very least should be able to present and own their hard earned Biblical perspectives even if they aren’t mainstream yet.
Fast forward, I left WJU after one semester due to it being unsafe and extremely toxic to my mental and spiritual health. I am doing great now, I have a great degree from a different university, and I am thankfully no longer homeless. Sadly, I have had to give up on my dream of worship leading. And my family no longer associates with me. But I have met and made new family, I still play and record music, and I teach an entire series on LGBT+ inclusion from a Biblically based perspective.
Listen, if you’re straight and you’re reading this, I hope this gives you just the tip of the iceberg of how serious and real homophobia is in Christianity and places like WJU, and I hope it inspires you to choose to do some of the research I had to do, and to ask questions and learn how to create change and safety for LGBT+ people.
Most importantly, if you’re gay, bi, trans, or not sure, and you’re reading this never forget that above all,
- God is Love, and Love is patient, Love is kind, and Love is slow to anger. I have more faith in God’s patience and love for you then in his wrath and anger. The cross proved that. The church can’t change that. And his voice is love, and peace, not fear. Not shame. Not manipulation.
2. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You were knit together, inside and out, by loving affectionate hands. You are not a mistake. Not the freckle on your forehead or the dimple on your chin. You are not disgusting. You are not garbage. And like Joseph with the coat of many colors, what was thrown away and rejected by men will be exalted and used to heal and lead the world. I promise you that.
3. There’s a voice for every opinion, perspective, and idea out there. Part of learning to discern the voice of God is being able to differentiate between them. If it doesn’t sound like the description of Love in 1st Corinthians 13, it’s not Jesus. That includes the voice of your parents, your pastors, and your own fearful heart.
4. I love you. SO much. I would never send you to hell for being gay, and I’m pretty sure it’s impossible for me to outlove Jesus.
Homophobia and Hate Speech: Expelled
by Christine Fredrickson
Note: Christine researched this topic, but it is not based on her personal experience. The following information is from previously published articles, which are linked below. The student discriminated against did not respond when we reached out for comment. Since publishing he has reached out and thanked us for writing about his experience. We have since edited the article to include his name.
Anthony Villarreal wrote about his experience stating he was discriminated against in May 2014, about experiences with William Jessup University in the summer of 2013.
During June and July 2013, a student athlete at William Jessup University confided in some teammates and in his coach, Parker Daniells, that he was gay. He lived off campus and disclosed that his roommate and he were in a relationship. Though the Student Handbook was indicated it was only a guideline and a contract of housing conduct was only required for on-campus students, he was pressured. Shortly thereafter Anthony was pushed into signing a legal contract indicating he would go to regular counseling, change his living arrangements, be placed on probation, and be suspended from athletics.
“Just two months after coming out and only eight classes away from my four-year bachelor degree at William Jessup University, it was all taken away from me, for expressing who I am. I had been suppressed the entire time I attended William Jessup University, and even after being dismissed, I still am.”
It was only a matter of days before he was contacted stating he had violated that policy and would not be returning to campus at all. Anthony’s attempt to appeal was denied and he was expelled from campus.
When it made area news, legal analyst Tony Capozzi said the following: “Really it’s saying they don’t discriminate but yet you better follow the code of conduct and if you’re homosexual we don’t want you here. So yeah, they’re discriminating. They clearly are,” He also says based on these facts Villarreal could file an anti-discrimination lawsuit.
In response to the Anthony’s article making news in May 2014, the University President John Jackson sent out a statement to faculty, staff and students vaguely explaining that “we do not discriminate against students based on their sexual orientation. However, student participation in WJU is a voluntary association governed by a biblically-based code of conduct.”
It wasn’t until a year later that they requested Title IX Exemption to legally discriminate against LGBTQ+ students on gender and sexual orientation. It wasn’t until two years later that they were provided that Title IX Exemption to legally discriminate against LGBTQ+ students on gender and sexual orientation. This will be explored further in a future article.
Conclusion: Homophobia and Hate Speech
While there are more personal stories to come from us on other forms of discrimination and the harmful culture at Jessup, we also encourage you to look at other experiences of harm shared by former students that are not affiliated with our efforts.
An Instagram account called @JessupStories was created in 2020 where current and former students have shared harmful or discriminatory experiences they saw or lived at William Jessup University. While unaffiliated with our efforts, we support their work to provide an Avenue to anonymously share experiences and shine a light on the culture of William Jessup University.
If other students, staff, or alumni have their own stories to share, please submit at liberatedjessupians@gmail.com and we will continue to publish and bring awareness.
Resources
Articles About Exodus Ministries Closing and Denouncing and Apologizing for Promoting and Providing Conversion Therapy, Which is Harmful and Ineffective:
https://www.cnn.com/2013/06/20/us/exodus-international-shutdown/index.html
https://time.com/3065495/9-ex-leaders-of-the-gay-conversion-therapy-movement-apologize
Resources for Gay, Queer, & Questioning Christians
Websites
The Queer Christian Network http://www.qchristian.org
Resource and network for LGBT+ Christians
Canyon Walker Connections www.canyonwalkerconnections.com
LGBT+ Christian advocacy resource
Freed Hearts www.freedhearts.org
Resources for LGBT+ individuals and parents of LGBT+ children.
Mathew Vines www.mathewvines.com
Resource for questioning LGBT+ Christians
Books
Torn, by Justin Lee
The personal story and journey of coming out and wrestling with tough questions from the founder of former Gay Christian Network, now Queer Christian Fellowship.
Walking the Bridgeless Canyon, by Kathy Baldock
An exhaustive historical study on how views on homosexuality were altered and added to the Bible.
Bible Gender Sexuality, By James V. Brownson
An academic hermeneutical scriptural look at homosexuality in the Scriptures
Mom, I’m Gay, By Susan Cottrell
A resource and roadmap for the parents of children who have come out to them
True Colors, By Susan Cottrell
A personal workbook of inner healing for LGBT+ individuals who have suffered from religious persecution and trauma.
